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Dr. Seuss of Booze: Advanced Drinking Aphorisms
Wednesday, January 20, 2016 at 12:00 AM |
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Chances are, you’ve heard the classic “Beer before liquor, never been sicker.” In fact, you have probably lived and survived this fate at least once, making you a little more familiar with the classic aphorism than you’d like to admit. Furthermore, like a booze-addled biochemist, it's likely that beer and liquor haven't been your only foray into influential concoctions. So whether you are in search of answers to your intoxicating questions or seeking poetic solidarity on past expirements, allow this evidence to make you the Dr. Seuss of booze as you embark on your next bar crawl, turning up intelligently.

Taking to the lab (aka google) to debunk inebriating myths...Eureka! We stumbled upon Jonathan Scaff, the obscure bard of bar crawls who proposed  an ever-poetic list of advanced drinking aphorisms. Obviously inspired, we decided to add a few lines of our own to Schaff's prophetic list of PG-13 Seuss-ical wisdom...


Beer before liquor? Never been sicker.

Liquor before beer? You’re in the clear.

Beer before wine? The feeling’s divine.

Wine before beer? The feeling turns queer.

Wine before liquor? Good for the ticker.

Vodka before champagne? You'll feel no pain.

Vodka, then whiskey? The proposition is risky.

Whiskey before gin? Chances of remembering tonight are thin.

Gin before rum? You're gonna be numb.

Ecstasy before whiskey? Things are getting frisky.

Tequila and weed? Godspeed.

Weed and wine? Ready to recline.

Acid and juice? You’re really letting loose.

All of the above? Life is what you’ll be void of.


It's been said that reciting poetry is a romantic pick-up tactic but in this case, your success rate is about as likely as this "study" earning us a Nobel Prize. Not holding our breath on either, we can however confirm that applying these Shakespearean Shakesbeerean aphorisms will ensure an optimized bar crawl experience.